Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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