And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
