just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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