I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
