I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize