Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
