According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
