I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
