You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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