Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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