Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
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I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
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i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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