I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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