i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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