I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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