I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
