i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
