What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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