Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
