I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
