I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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