Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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