I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
