dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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