the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
