you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
