Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
