Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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