literally had 100 drinks last night.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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