So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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