I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
