I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
