life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
We're too hungover to prance.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
