I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
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