I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
