Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
