just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
