and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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