That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
