took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
