Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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