"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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