so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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