The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
