She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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