Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
