I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
