we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
