yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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