OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
