I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
