my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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