so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Randomize
