How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize