I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
